I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
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We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
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I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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