Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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