You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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