FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
