Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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