wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
