So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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