Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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