Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
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Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
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Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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