I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Be still, my beating vagina.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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