seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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