it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
try lime green
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake