That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.