i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?