forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.