he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
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He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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