So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.