I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
