You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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