Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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