I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She bit a glass in half.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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