there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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