Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Barsexuality is the new black.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
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...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
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I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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