i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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