i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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