He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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