The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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