stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
