a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
