cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
