is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
