Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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