I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
