I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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