I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
