i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
