i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
