i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
