Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just gift wrapped bread.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
