I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
