I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
