I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
We had sex on a dog bed..
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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