I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
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