come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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