two words: eviction party
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
