I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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