Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
