His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
