who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
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i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
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My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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