My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
