Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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