His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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