WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
