Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
