dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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