she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
