He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
