I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
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I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
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I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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