If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
