i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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