I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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