I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
the raccoons are back...
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