Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
